why do I keep fighting you off?
One part of me wants you desparately,
another part of me unknowingly
pushes you back and runs away.
What is there in me that
so contradicts my desire for you?
These transition days, these passage ways,
are calling me to let go of old securities,
to give myself over into your hands.
Like Jesus who struggled with the pain
I, too, fight the “let it all be done.”
Loneliness, lostness, non-belonging,
all these hurts strike out at me,
leaving me pained with this present goodbye.
I want to be more but I fight the growing.
I want to be new but I hang unto the old.
I want to live but I won’t face the dying.
I want to be whole but cannot bear
to gather up the pieces into one.
Is it that I refuse to be out of control,
to let the tears take their humbling journey,
to allow my spirit to feel its depression,
to stay with the insecurity of “no home”?
Now is the time. You call to me,
begging me to let you have my life,
inviting me to taste the darkness
so I can be filled with the light,
allowing me to lose my direction
so that I will find my way home to you.
I have been revisiting artwork lately, pieces that I made to anchor truth. This journey of inviting the deep places of knowing often felt so out of control.
The “I want to be whole…” line resonates. It is only in the risking that wholeness truly comes. But sometimes, it involves tasting the darkness.
I made this piece to honor my sense of smell, a very concrete sense that was given back as I moved into this part of the work of healing.
God is like that. We are not parts; five senses. We are whole; one body.
And so, even the senses themselves are interconnected, and enlivened by truth.
One person shared today at church about the way he sees the world in color. Literally, even numbers have hue.
I wonder how vividly we will see someday?
For today, I just get to smell it, like a whiff of a far off delicious scent.
May it be so.
Source: “Prayer of one who feels lost” from Praying our goodbyes, Joyce Rupp. South Bend, IN: Ave Maria Press, 1983.
From the Lenten Poetry Companion, Mystic Activists, Neighborhood Ministries.